Question:

My wife and I disagree over how to discipline our children. Sometimes, when we try to break up a fight our son and daughter are having, we end up fighting instead! How do we keep the peace?

Answer:

My first question would be, “What are the ages of the children? Since that isn't available perhaps a generic answer will be helpful.

First, and most critical, is that you and your wife must get clear on what boundaries you will abide by in your partnership regarding the disciplining of your children. It is paramount, from my point of view, that you be united in this aspect or the children will receive mixed messages that can easily continue on into the raising of their own children one day. This doesn't mean you always agree, rather it means that you are aligned and present a united front.

What is happening is both of you have brought your standards, values, beliefs, and rules to your relationship and they are sometimes incongruent, which is not unusual. Whenever one of you feels your "rule" in a given matter has been violated by the other, your upset ensues. And, you will always revert to your histories, in an attempt to resolve the issue. Unless someone is being mindful, compassionate and willing to listen to the other, the result is most predictable!

Of course breaking up physical altercations is a must, and when there is verbal jousting, I invite you to have a family meeting. In my book "Mom, Dad are you Listening?" there is a very simple communication process that is designed to be led by children, and this process, if utilized correctly, produces remarkable results quickly. I suspect this process would resolve this issue among all of you.

Good luck!