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Expert Q&A

	By John C. Friel, Ph.D. Psychologists

My 18-year-old stepson has decided to quit high school, but doesn't want to work. What can I do?

Eighteen-year-olds who are not in school should be out in the world working, and if they live at home, they should be paying rent. It is kind of you to try to find him jobs, but it probably contributes to his dual feelings of entitlement and helplessness. He should find his own job and be grateful that he has one rather than living in a cardboard box on the street.

All parents want the best for their children, and no matter who we are, we hate to see our children suffer or struggle. But as we have emphasized so often throughout our books and with our clients, struggle is a good thing, and to remove the struggle from a child's life is to cut him or her off at the knees and then expect him or her to walk!

You do have the right to ask him to leave. He is asking to be a grown-up by making grown-up decisions like whether or not he should go to school. I suggest you remove all - and I mean all - conveniences that you now provide for him. DO NOT make him meals. Do not provide food for him. If he leaves things laying around the house, give them to your favorite charity or put them in a "Sunday Box" - a box that remains locked until the next Sunday. This latter technique is typically used for younger children, but it sounds to me like he has a lot of growing up to do.

Above all, get some help and support from other parents and/or a counselor. I know of few parents who are able to make this painful transition without experiencing a lot of guilt, fear and shame. It's OK to feel those feelings. Just don't let them control how you respond to him.

Good luck!

John C. Friel, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
http://www.clearlife.com

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