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Expert Q&A

	By Tracy Underwood Child and Adolescent Psychologist Children's Medical Center of Dallas

How do I let my child know that she should not be a follower? I want to make her understand that she should not do things that she knows are wrong in order to make or keep a friend.

Dear Parent,

Healthy self-esteem is the answer. When children feel really good about themselves they are less easily swayed by negative peer influences. They are less coerced by the threat that they will lose a friend if they donŴ 妯 along with the crowd.ļ/p>

Self-esteem is best developed through unconditional love from the parent or parents, a supportive home environment with clear boundaries and limits, and through clear consequences for misbehaviors. Excelling in academics, sports, friendships, hobbies or any other activity in which they can engage is also important. Thus, love and mastery in areas of their lives work wonders for self-esteem.

When you discover that your child participated in an inappropriate activity, initially suspend your natural inclination to become angry and punish. Process with her why she made the choices she made. Ask in a spirit of curiosity rather than with judgment because judgment will make her shut down. She may not be aware of the reasons behind her actions and this questioning will elucidate her decisions. Reflect back what you hear. For example, ôIt sounds like you knew it was wrong to do that but maybe were afraid the other kids would laugh at you if you objected.ö You could follow up that comment with, ôIt must be tough to hide your true feelings with girls who claim to be your friends.ö In this way, you are leading your child to decide for herself that she does not find her present social situation a comfortable one.

One final thought: model healthy self-esteem and leadership capabilities to your daughter. Girls look up to their mothers. If you have some relevant personal stories from your childhood about the same subject, share them. She will feel more understood if she believes that you have been in her shoes.

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