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Expert Q&A

	By Sonny Elliott Family Counselor/Author

I have a 12-year-old that has a very, very strong character, and I hate to say it, but he also has a very nasty attitude. Nothing works. Any ideas?

A strong character goes a long way in leading others, but that nasty attitude will quickly drive them away. My first suggestion would be trying to discover the origin of your son's negativity. I wonder if he feels inadequate or angry. Does he feel like he is treated fairly compared to other members of the household? Are there any family conflicts that contribute to his tension and irritability? Is he modeling the behaviors and attitudes of his peer group or someone at home? All of these things could contribute to a nasty disposition and if you can pinpoint the factors perpetuating the negativity, then you can take steps to change it.

Monitor the communication in your home. Be sure it is direct, positive and instructional rather than critical, and devoid of sarcasm. Poor communication breeds resentment. Role model the positive attitude you want your son to emulate. Praise him when he is supportive and cheerful (e.g., "It felt so pleasant talking to you just now"). Provide him with information on your internal state when he is negative (e.g., "I feel bad when you use that tone of voice"). Increase his awareness of others' pro-social behaviors and attitudes by asking him about the popular children in his school. Ask him what they do to make others like them. Help him find ways to improve his self-esteem, perhaps through extracurricular activities, hobbies, projects, etc. Having a strong character does not preclude low self-esteem. Low self-esteem often promotes negativity.

Eventually, his peers will let him know that he is too negative if they haven't already. While it is painful for our children to be rejected, such incidents provide very useful feedback to them on their impact on others. This knowledge often promotes change.

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