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Expert Q&A

	By Sonny Elliott Family Counselor/Author

"My kids get good grades and are involved in so many activities: soccer, basketball, softball, karate, dance... They seem able to manage everything quite well and they really thrive, but I can't help but wonder if they need to ease up a bit. Considering that they're doing well in all this stuff, do you think it's important for kids to have down-time to just play and hang out? I don't want them to be over-stimulated."

Your question is very insightful and timely as I have recently been suggesting to parents this is an area to be reviewed, and my concerns are based on two items:

First, in almost every interview I have with children, I ask the question, "If you could change anything at home, what would you change?" The answer is always some version of "I'd be listened to," and "I would have more quality time with my family," and here they usually mean parents, not siblings. Secondly, the scenes at the ball parks I tend to see are where many adults are being everything except "good sports" in watching their children play. What are the children most likely learning in this environment? Probably more ways to lower their own self-esteem as well as learning how to pass it along to their peers. From what I have seen, a lot of messages are being delivered that are organized around what children should not be doing, but at a young age children are most impressionable.

>From most studies I review and from my own observations, children are wanting more quality time with parents, and usually they will not ask directly. Also, there is a growing indicator that a lot of teenage anger is about not having the opportunity to spend time with their parents. You're in charge and responsible for your children, as you simply have more knowledge and life experiences than a child should ever have. It is OK to change the rules or reduce extra-curricular activities, and have the child not like it. I would like to see more of parents taking charge and doing what works, and less of what the children want!

If you sat your children down, and ask a lot of questions on this subject (questions work much better than telling!) find out what they are thinking etc, and you can co-devise a plan with your children on phasing out certain activities and bringing in more family playing and hanging out! These are exciting times as well as learning times for your children, and they want to hang out with mom and dad!

In conclusion, there is nothing wrong with a whirlwind of activities for kids, and the bigger question is would a balance of activities better serve you and your children? My answer is absolutely, yes! In a few years your children will be moving on in their lives, and do you think they will remember all those activities, or quality time spent with mom and dad? What most likely will make the biggest difference?

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