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Expert Q&A

	By Sonny Elliott Family Counselor/Author

I have a 9-year-old boy and a 6-year-old girl. At what age should I start telling them about sex? I want them to be aware of abuse, and I don't know if they are too young for this subject.

There are not too many more difficult things for many parents to deal with than the issue of sex. And, as you note, it's hard to avoid, since there is so much of it on TV, in ads, in movies, etc. One thing that is different now from in the ancient times when we were growing up is that many schools are addressing family life or sex education as part of the regular curriculum. Most often, this happens in health classes. So, the first thing we advise is for parents to check with the school and find out what they are doing in school. By law, you have the right to look at the curriculum and see what materials the school is using. By finding out what the school is saying, you have a framework in which to talk to your children. You also have a sense of what they are hearing and when they are hearing it.

This applies also, by the way, to issues of abuse. Many schools have curriculum units or lessons in their health curriculum, or sometimes special child abuse prevention programs, that address the issue of "good touch" and "bad touch" and "private places" where no one has the right to touch you. These are difficult issues, but once kids are the age of your children, they should be taking care of their own personal hygiene, and so situations where parents might need to "good touch" their "private area" should not come up. Of course, you might find yourself disagreeing with how a school handles the matter, and this, too, is a good thing, as you can make your concerns known.

In addition, you will find other helpful resources in schools. The health educator or school nurse is often a good person to chat with about how to present such issues to your children. The basic idea is to respond to their concerns, not our own adult worries. Even though kids may watch things that make our hair stand on end, it does not mean they watch it through adult eyes. So, we often recommend asking kids questions about something they saw, to see "where they are at," and then giving them the information they need.

Another very helpful resource in schools is the school librarian. Most parents find books a useful way to introduce or address the topic of sexuality with their children. It starts with the idea of a family and family relationships and "normal" parental kissing and hugging and the same with their children. We certainly want, as you note in your question, kids to recognize and appreciate the essential role of healthy affection in families and relationships! But it's hard for kids to know where to draw the line, especially given what they might see in the media. That's why we urge you to be vigilant about what your kids are exposed to. PG-13 and similar ratings are useful guides to you that there might be things in a program that you might not want your kids to see. Of course, if you are watching with your children, then you have a chance to watch their reactions to what they see and to ask them important questions, like, "When you saw that relative hurting the girl, what did you think? What do you think she could have done differently? What would you have told her to do?" This sequence of question is generally useful to see what your kids are taking from what they see, and the answers guide you as to how to intervene, if at all. When kids see scenes of a sexual nature that you think are inappropriate, don't ignore them. Ask something like, "I looked away just a second ago. What happened? What did you think of that?" Once you get your answer, you have a better sense of what your kids are seeing and taking away, and then you can take appropriate steps.

The bottom line: as parents, we must handle the situation in an emotionally intelligent manner. In this case, it means using our feelings as a guide that our kids might be seeing inappropriate things, but also remembering to find out what our children's perspective is on what they have seen. Use your feelings as an "alarm," but an alarm to investigate how your children are seeing things from a kids' eye view. Then, reach out to the school as an ally. And if that does not work, reach out to your pediatrician, who also knows a thing or two about such matters and may know your children well enough to have specific ideas. And if none of that works, get back in touch with us with more details about your concerns and we can try to provide more specific ideas!

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