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Expert Q&A

	By iParenting Staff iParenting Staff Experts

I'm scared about my wife's labor. I don't know if I can handle seeing her in that much pain and feeling completely helpless to do anything about it. What can I do to help her get through it without making myself crazy from worry?

I certainly appreciate your concerns! But don't let fear hold you back. Be proactive about this incredible event! Learn all you can about it! As you learn more, you will be more comfortable with your role in, during and with your partner's experience during labor. In the end, you'll both share a fantastic achievement -- the birth of your baby! There are A LOT of things you can do! Here are some thoughts:

1. Yes, it certainly is hard to watch someone else be in a great deal of discomfort. I use the word discomfort because discomfort varies from woman to woman in labor. It is totally individual! What one woman may experience as r-e-a-l-l-y uncomfortable, another in the same situation may not! Consider this: Don't condemn her to have pain, or expect the worst before she's had the chance to really explore how uncomfortable she really is. Let her TELL you. She may surprise you!

2. Labor and childbirth is not something that happens to a woman, but what a woman does all by herself. There is no outside "force" that descends upon her to make her experience childbirth and the discomforts associated with it! It is a natural, innate, physiological process! A woman's body is magnificently designed, physically and chemically to birth a baby. The discomfort comes from various physiological processes including pressure on anatomical structures, tissues stretching and from natural contractions that are much kinder than those stimulated by pitocin. And the hormones in her body make it happen!

3. Beware the viscous cycle of fear -> tension -> pain! Yes! The more tense her muscles are (the uterus is a muscle too) the more discomfort she will have! Also, when fear is experienced, real or imagined, adrenaline is released into the bloodstream and circulated throughout the body, which affects muscle function, heat rate and causes an increased awareness of discomfort, anxiety, etc. There can be emotional as well as physical tension. Relaxation is key in helping to facilitate the process of birth emotionally and physically.

4. Start finding out how she likes to be touched and/or massaged to relax now! Find those supporting words to whisper in her ears now while she can tell you what she likes and doesn't like. DON'T WAIT UNTIL SHE'S IN LABOR! Always be positive! Don't say, "You're not listening to me, not focusing, etc.!" Say, "You're doing a great job and I love you, I'm proud of you, admire you," and so on. Don't be afraid to touch her, and if she doesn't like what you're doing or saying, don't take it personally!

Consider this: You are the closest to her. She feels safe with you, so if she should snap at you (She may not! Another surprise!), it's because she feels safe. She's not going to snap at the health care team! And when you learn from her how she likes to be touched to relax, or distracted from contractions, you are building your own confidence and skills to help her cope when the time comes.

5. Be her guardian. Protect her privacy, her wishes. ASK QUESTIONS! Don't leave her. Create a comfortable, quiet environment -- soft lighting, music, bathe her in your love, through words and touch and maybe a kiss or two, or three or more! Take her for an imaginary swim in a lake, or a walk on the beach to help her relax, and when she's ready to birth your baby, help her to imagine your baby being born.

6. Realize that labor is not only physical but very emotional as well. There may be moments she may not know what she wants. Just being there, respecting her, offering suggestions to change positions, or different techniques to manage discomfort, or simply embracing her and telling her she's doing great helps. Sometimes saying nothing and just doing easy, slow breathing with her may be all she needs. You may want to have a doula! They are wonderful and she will help you and your partner by providing additional emotional and physical support through labor!

7. If you haven't already, enroll in a childbirth class! You will learn ways to relax her and massage her, what positions to use, and when to use warmth and cold on her body to reduce discomfort and so much more! AND PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE the skills you learn! These classes are invaluable because education is proactive! When you learn about something new, it gives you the information and the confidence you need to do what you have learned. When you are an active participant, it gives you a sense of control as well as personal satisfaction. Imagine how great you'll feel knowing you knew how to help her because you had the knowledge. (Also, the relaxation techniques you learn, you can do them too! It will help you to relax as well and throughout your life.)

Recently, a new father came to one of my classes to talk to the couples who hadn't had their babies yet. He said, "When I was learning this childbirth stuff, a lot of the information didn't make sense to me and I was very nervous about how I was going to be. But, as my wife went into labor, it all came together!"

Childbirth is one of life's mysteries. Worrying is a part of that! It's normal and expected! Your baby's birthday will unfold in its own way and will have its own story. Take a deep breath and confront the fear. It will all come together. Trust yourself. Just be you.

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