quick clicks

dads today articles

dads today q&a

community & groups

research baby names

prepare a birth plan

content channels

ip channel rss feeds

read birth stories

read parenting stories

recommended books

e-newsletters

safety recalls

ip diaries

ip store

mom of the month

dad of the month

editor's letter

letters to the editor

Expert Q&A

	By Paul Coleman Psychologist Family Therapist

I've been told that a woman becomes really moody when pregnant. I know it's due to the hormonal changes, and I've seen that already at 5-6 weeks now. My question is: What can a man do when the woman has mood swings? I know I shouldn't take it personally, but it is hard. How do I handle the moodiness, and is there anything I can do or say that might help her out as well?

Moodiness is very common during pregnancy. Some women are more moody than others. There is some research evidence suggesting that women who were somewhat anxious or depressed before pregnancy might have more intense mood swings during pregnancy.

I have three suggestions. First, try to look at her moodiness in a positive light. I know it's hard (I'm a father of three -- I know all about moodiness), but your wife is moody precisely because her hormones are helping her prepare for the development and birth of your baby. Her moodiness is one of the many frustrations all parents will experience raising kids. In a way, nature is giving you some practice coping with the inevitable sacrifices you will make for one another and for your child -- sacrifices made from love and devotion. Try to smile when she is moody. Perhaps that sounds silly, but smile out of the joy that comes from knowing you will be a family soon.

Also, your wife is bound to feel either guilty about her moodiness and its effect on you -- or angry if your reaction to her moodiness upsets her (these are the emotional side-effects of her moodiness). Either way, the original problem of moodiness has now become more complicated. If you can show her that you can respond with love and a bit of joy at her moodiness, you won't have the emotional side effects to deal with.

Second, there will be times when she is not so moody. Talk with her then about the best way to respond when she is moody. Keep in mind that she hates being moody, too. Chances are she just wants understanding and somebody to gripe with. Giving her a backrub or foot massage while letting her gripe is a nice way of handling the emotions together. (She can give you a back rub, too.) Rather than having a lengthy conversation about what's the matter and should you take her moodiness personally, some couples have a code word (usually a humorous one) that can be used as shorthand to explain a more complicated set of feelings. For example, she could use a codeword that means "I'm in a rotten mood and it's not your fault and all I really want is a hug." You could have a code word that says "I see you are in a bad mood and I want to do something for you, but I'm afraid you're mad at me."

Last, pick two or three symptoms she has that are most troubling. Then each of you should rate them on a chart as to how intense they were that day. This was done in a research study for couples where the woman had severe PMS symptoms. The couples monitored the symptoms and rated them daily for three months. By the end of three months, compared to a control group, these couples were more calm and nurturing toward one another. Each partner was more aware of what the other was experiencing and this translated into support and intimacy rather than sniping and avoidance. Give it a try.

View more Q&A by this Expert