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Expert Q&A

	By Paul Coleman Psychologist Family Therapist

I?ve noticed a tendency for stay-at-home moms to act as ?theś parent and treat the dad as a babysitter. My brother is treated this way. Should I say something?

No, you should not say something to your sister-in-law unless you have a superb relationship and the tact of an international diplomat. The concern you mention is very common and has multiple causes, some of which can be handled straightforwardly if the couple is loving and open-minded (otherwise, some sessions with a counselor might help.) For example, a new mother can be insecure and anxious in her parenting skills. She may think (wrongly) that if her mate handles a parenting issue differently than she does that the implication is her way is wrong. She will then defend against that by insisting that his way is wrong. Now it is a battle of wills where no compromise is likely.

Another subtle factor is that many dads allow their wives to take over parenting when it gets inconvenient for them so that mom actually does become more of an expert. (How many dads dislike dressing their daughters because they can't figure out the buttons or match colors well? Some dads cook (or buy fast food) meals for their kids that are uninspired and not balanced because they don't want to take extra time cooking. Their wives complain and eventually mom does more of the cooking and dad always opts for the quick fix.) The point here is that dads shouldn't routinely have lax standards and then get upset when their wives complain.

A third factor can be that each spouse overcompensates for the other. If mom thinks dad is too strict, she tolerates behavior in the kids (fighting at the dinner table, etc) that she might not otherwise. Dad sees this and believes his wife is far too lenient and is likely to be harsh or impatient. That only increases his wife's belief that he is acting like a drill sergeant. Each partner must be very honest with him or herself and recognize when they are overcompensating. Overcompensation causes your partner to do more of the very thing you want him or her to do less of!

Often, over-involvement with a child can be a cause (or an effect from) marital tension. Unhappy with a partner, a wife may invest more time with the kids for gratification. She will then be disapproving of dad's involvement with the kids -- not because his methods are necessarily wrong -- but because she does not feel loved or cared enough by him. That only increases the man's dissatisfaction and the problem can escalate. Often, when a couple doesn't get along then anything a mate does can be interpreted in a negative light. One woman was shocked when her husband took their 3-year-old to a mall because the child did not insist on being carried by his father. When she takes the child to the mall the child demands to be held by her. I would interpret that difference as simple conditioning -- the child knew that mom would carry him and his demandingness was rewarded. But how did the mom interpret it? She said her child was obviously "submissive and depressed" with the father. The point is this: if marital tensions are high, you don't give your mate the benefit of the doubt and problems become self-fulfilling.

The bottom line? It is not good for family functioning if only one partner is the parenting expert. In the case you mentioned, the dad will feel like a bystander in his family and eventually his parenting skills will atrophy because they won't be used. Then mom will have even more reason to take over. I suggest you tell your brother to be loving but firm with his wife. I suggest that your brother have many one-on-one times with the child for long stretches of time so that the child will be accustomed to his father's ways. Your brother should let his wife know all the ways he thinks she is right in her parenting and warmly express his appreciation for that. But he should have the flexibility to do some things his own way. Children benefit from that flexibility.

They might also want to read the book 25 Stupid Mistakes Couples Make by Dr. Paul Coleman. It is loaded with examples of how well-intended couples and parents make mistakes they don't even realize they are making."

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