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Expert Q&A

	By Paul Coleman Psychologist Family Therapist

We have a daughter that is 12 years old. She has lived with her stepmother and I since the age of 3. She is very active in the church, was just baptized, and is a very good kid. However, her mother is persistent in trying to set her up with boys and creating excessive peer pressure. We have full custody and her mother only sees her every other weekend. How should we handle this? Discussing this with her mother doesn't work.

One of the sad after-effects of divorce is the inability of many parents to work together on behalf of their children. The negative consequences of divorce are often lessened for children when their parents cooperate in their children's best interest.

On the plus side, your daughter's involvement in church activities and your view of her as a good kid (I presume that means she does not get into trouble and does reasonably well in school) are positive signs.

Your ex-wife's persistence in trying to set your daughter up with boys is troubling. Frankly, age 12 is too young to date. Girls who date at that age often are attracted to older boys (boys at age 12 are often less mature than girls of that age). The younger the age that dating begins, the greater the likelihood that the child/adolescent will engage in sexual intercourse before graduation from high school. Early sexual behavior is also highly associated with early drug and alcohol use. Studies show that teens who are sexually active also show precipitous drops in school grades.

I would make clear to your daughter what your values and rules on dating are. Show some empathy for her as it must be difficult to be pressured by her mother and to be caught in the middle between her parents. You do have leverage. After all, she lives with you all but four days of the month. You have the power to enforce rules.

If she fears that her mother may lose more of her rights to visitation, she may have a hard time telling you all that is going on between her and her mother. Empathize with that. Tell her that no child at her age should be caught in the middle and that you can understand her loyalty to each parent. Then remind her that the days she is living with you she will have to abide by your rules on dating.

Let her know that if she is ever in a situation with boys or with her mother that make her uncomfortable, she can call you. That puts her in an awkward position with her mother, but it might reassure her, as well.

You mentioned that talking with your ex-wife doesn't work. When that is the case, there are no surefire solutions to these problems. On the other hand, make sure that animosity you have towards your ex-wife doesn't cause you to disagree with her about matters you could agree with her on. If you find any degree of merit to a position that she takes, see if you can acknowledge that. It might make her more cooperative in the long run.

Stay firm about no dating. Your daughter is too young. Good luck.

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