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Expert Q&A

	By Sonny Elliott Family Counselor/Author

I am in the middle of a divorce. My wife and I have been separated since February, and our children are 5 and 3. I live with my girlfriend of eight months and I want to ensure that we can have a happy "blending" during the time the children are in the household (50 percent of the time). The children seem to be very fond of my girlfriend, but only think she is a "friend" of ours. How can I introduce her as more than a friend in a way that they understand? We want to make sure we cover all of the bases where their emotions are concerned.

For openers, you're not only "not" divorced, you have been separated a mere eight months. Your living with someone who you want to introduce to your children as more than a "friend," and my question is: And what would that title be?

The real issue seems to be two children going back and forth between households, which in itself, based on every study I have ever seen, is a tragedy in the making. In fact the latest published study done with children of divorced parents indicates the real pain and damage for divorced children doesn't show up until these children are in their 30s. It sounds like you want an easy way out, unmindful of the damage you?re causing by wanting to have your children accept your "girlfriend" while you're not living up to the promises made during your marriage vows.

Why not tell them how it really is? Some version of: You're not keeping your promise to your children or your wife, you?re not even divorced, you're living with a girlfriend that may or may not work out (you could easily discover this isn't the one either), you may have other girlfriends, you love them and someday they will understand.

If you really wanted to cover all of the emotional bases for your children you would not have the girlfriend living in your household when your children are with you. That way the "friend" definition would work just fine. You would also represent their mother very well when not in her presence, and you would give them your "time" rather than share it with them and the girlfriend. These first (0-9) years are when all of your children's beliefs, values, standards, love, trust, emotions, and the very basis of their self-esteem are being formed. What messages are you giving them by deceiving them? What will they learn about "what works" in relationships from you? What will their foundation of trust be in observing your actions? Perhaps you could take a look at the endless studies regarding what actions like yours are producing in our society. And what does it say about a girlfriend who would participate in your actions?

While marriages may not last, children are forever, and in a few years they too will move on. The question is what will they move on with? While the above is not a pretty answer, neither is your situation.

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