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Expert Q&A

	By Elizabeth Pantley Child Behavior Expert Better Beginnings, Inc.

My 4-year-old throws tantrums about wanting an ear piercing. What should I do?

The issue here really isn't ear piercing at all. The real issue is who's boss in the family. There will always be things a child wants that a parent is not willing to provide. What do you think your most important job in raising your children is? Perhaps it is more helpful to consider what it is not. It is not to make your son with you. It is not to convince him what a wonderful person you are. It is not to gain his undying affection. Rather, your overriding duty is to raise your son to be a capable, responsible young person who, when mature, will stand on his own, sure of himself and his values. To attain this goal, you need to set limits, create rules, and impose consequences; therefore, you must accept that your child will be unhappy, angry, or annoyed with you occasionally. (And sometimes ... often.)

When we respectfully, lovingly, but firmly impose proper boundaries on our children, when we give them guidance and discipline, we will help them to develop their own inner discipline as they grow up. It's that inner strength that will keep them standing in even the worst of life's storms. And it's what will allow them to reach toward their own happiness, unfettered by insecurities and doubt.

Keep in mind that following a few important rules will make every situation with your child easier to handle, regardless of which solution you choose to implement. I call these The Perfect Parenting Keys.

Key #1: Take Charge
If your child doesn't clearly understand that YOU are the boss, even minor issues can cause you major headaches. The keys presented here will help you identify the areas where you can make some changes.

The first step to taking charge is simply to give yourself permission to be in charge, and begin expecting your children to obey you.

With this solid foundation you will build a loving, trusting relationship with your children. And, perhaps even more important, you will be able to lead your children into adulthood with values, wisdom and life skills that only a strong, supportive parent can impart.

Key #2: Tell, Don't Ask
One popular mistake parents make is asking instead of telling. The way you phrase your words determines whether your children see your request as optional or required. Banish all wishy-washy phrases from your vocabulary.

When you want your child to do something (or stop doing something) make a clear, specific statement that leaves no room for confusion.

Take a look at the difference between these two types of requests:

Optional:
?Kyle, it's getting late, don't you think it's time to get ready for bed?÷

Required
?It's eight o'clock. Time to shut off the TV and put on your pajamas.÷

Key #3: When You Say It, Mean It (The First Time)
Some parents are in the habit of repeating a request over and over and over (and over!) before taking any action to see that a child complies with the request. Or they fight with a child over the same issue over and over again.

Children have radar that tells them exactly when adults really mean what they say, and when they don't. Some parents really mean it only after repeatedly ignored requests. This is usually highlighted by a red face, a tense body, a child's middle name clenched between gnashing teeth, and a fist pounding the table to the tune of, "... and I mean it young man!"

Make yourself a promise to mean what you say -- the first time you say it. Key #4: Be Brief and Specific
There is a disease that is rampant among parents. It's called lecture-babble-itis. The most obvious symptom is an emotional run-on sentence that goes on forever, punctuated by highlights of previous award-winning monologues.

There is a cure for this dreaded disease. It involves making an effort to talk less, but say more. In other words, be very specific in your description, but use as few words as necessary. The advantages of using this technique are twofold. Your kids will cooperate more frequently with a brief, specific statement than they will with a lengthy tirade.

And, it's fun and easy for you to do this!

Key #5: Don't Give in to Nagging, Whining and Pressure
Many parents start out on the right track, but are derailed by an incredibly persistent child. It seems that when children couple their youthful energy with an extraordinary ability to pinpoint their parent's weak spots, the result is disaster.

If you're doing your job as a parent there are many times when your decisions won't be popular with your kids. When your child is nagging, whining and pleading with you, it's a sure sign that you've made the right decision. It's also a sign that you need to disengage from your youngster and teach him that you won't be swayed by his persistence.

Key #6: Give Choices, Ask Questions
A primary goal of all children is to become independent. Instead of fighting against this very natural process, a wise parent will use it to his advantage.

It's helpful to engage the child's decision-making skills and utilize his desire to be in control of his own own life. A parent might offer several well-thought-out choices, all of which, of course, are acceptable to the parent.

Key #7: Use Rules and Routines
Chores, homework, mealtime, bedtime, getting out the door in the morning. These are the things life is made of. If you have very specific rules and routines you will find that things flow. If you don't -- chaos. It's well worth the time to establish family priorities, rules and schedules for the usual daily routines.

A second part of this key is to evaluate your expectations for your children. Create a list of rules. These rules should cover expected behavior by clearly identifying two things: what is NOT allowed AND what behavior IS expected. In other words, listing, "No fighting" as a family rule is only the first part of the equation. "Be kind and respectful to each other" clarifies the important concluding concept.

When everyone knows what to expect you'll find yourself nagging and complaining much less, and the kids cooperating much more.

Key #8: Build a Foundation of Love, Trust and Respect
Many parents treat their children in ways that they would never treat a friend. In their efforts to raise respectable children, they become so focused on the end goal that they don't realize that the primary message coming though to their children is not a pleasant one.

Take a close look at your daily interactions with your children. Make sure that the primary message to them is, "I love you, I trust you, and I respect you." Children who are confident that they loved, trusted and respected by the important adults in their lives will respond overall in a much more pleasant way.

How do you get this message through to your children? First, by giving them what they want most from your -- your time. It's much more effective to give small chunks of time every day than to try to pack in a "quality" experience once a month. Second, give them your ear. Children thrive when they have someone who really listens to them. It's not as important to give advice and solve problems as it is to just plain listen. Third, praise and encourage your children daily. Look for reasons, both big and small, to give your children positive feedback. Fourth, tell them you love them. Tell them you trust them. Tell them you respect them. Use your words, and your actions to convey this most important message of all, "I love you, I trust you, and I respect you."

Key #9: Think First, Act Second
The times when you act before you think reflect the worst moments in parenting. Those are the times when you lose your patience; those horrible moments when you screech, bellow, threaten or hit. These moments occur most often to parents who are unprepared for the parenting job.

None of us are born knowing how to be parents. We can love our kids with our whole heart and soul, but we aren't born with a gene that gives us an instinctual knowledge of the right consequence to impart when our children misbehave, nor do we automatically know how to solve daily child rearing problems.

We won't learn a Perfect Parenting process by chance. It takes research, thought and planning to decide upon the best solution to any problem.

You will be a much more successful parent if you have access to ideas and solutions whenever you come across a parenting problem.

Whenever you come across a situation that baffles you or creates strife in your family life, take a few minutes to look up ideas in your parenting books, and talk to educated and experienced parents. Contemplate how the ideas fit into your parenting style, how they match up to the personality of your child, and how they might work for you. Then create a plan of action. And, then, keeping the Perfect Parenting Keys in mind, follow through.

Portions of this answer were excerpted from Perfect Parenting, The Dictionary of 1,000 Parenting Tips by Elizabeth Pantley, with permission from NTC/Contemporary Publishing, copyright 1999."

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