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Parent Talk

By Chick Moorman

Add a smile, a wink or a pat on the back to your verbalization to increase its effectiveness.

It is important that the one word you use be a summary of the attribute rather than an evaluation of the child or her creation. "Good," "beautiful," "excellent," "tremendous," "fantastic," "super," "stupendous," and "awesome" are examples of evaluations and need to be avoided.

By using one word to communicate your reaction, you increase the odds that the message will register with your child. With no other words to detract from it, "determination" will have a powerful effect. So will persistence, effort, caring or any other positive attribute you notice and communicate with one word.

"Billy, I asked you to pick up your toys."

"Billy, did you hear me tell you to pick up your toys?"

"Billy, I don't want to have to tell you again to pick up your toys."

"How many times do I have to tell you, Billy, to pick up those damn toys?"

"Billy, you better pick up those toys right this minute."

"I'm not warning you again, Billy, about those toys."

"William Robert, your toys better be picked up before I get in there."

"O.K., this is your last warning about the toys, mister."

"One ... two ... three ... "

Parent talk like this teaches children only one thing -- that they don't have to move a muscle until the parent starts counting. Children learn quickly that the parent isn't serious and that nothing of any significance will happen until the words turn to numbers.

The average parent reminds a child nine times before taking action. Regardless of whether the action that follows is skillful or unskillful, nine repetitions of the same request are not necessary. You could take the same action after five repetitions, three, or even one.

When your action follows the ninth request, you teach the child that he can ignore the first eight. When action occurs after the initial request or following one reminder, you communicate your seriousness and establish household norms. The child learns that there won't be numerous reminders.

Some parents are a Number Nine and take action after the ninth invitation. Others are a Number Four and act following the fourth request. Regardless of whether your number is high or low, be assured that your children have your number and they know the odds that number signifies. Even if you're a Two, they know you'll only act every other time. Some children will play those odds. If you're a Seven, more children will risk that you won't take action than would if you were a Two or Three.

In situations like these, let your parent talk reflect the notion that less is more. Simply talk less and act more. As you take more action, you'll find you have to talk less. Reduce your number from Nine to Six to Three to One and you'll no longer have a need to say, "One ... two ... three."