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You're Not My Father!
Helping Teens Adjust to New Stepfamilies By Gwen Morrison
TogethernessWhen a parent remarries, some teens feel a sense of loss. If they have been alone with you for a long period of time, they often feel as though they are being replaced. "In fact, children of divorce are often very sensitive to issues of loss," says Bartell. "Including him or her in such matters as picking dresses, making a guest list and planning a menu will make your teen feel important and also [will] alleviate concerns that your new marriage will mean that he or she is going to lose you to a new partner."
If the teen is interested, it can be very meaningful to include them in the actual wedding ceremony as an usher or a ring bearer. "Some parents give a 'ring' or other symbolic item to a stepchild to indicate that they are committed to the child as well as his or her parent," says Bartell. "Take cues from your teen. Some want to be involved, where others don't feel comfortable."
Steven C. Atkins, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist and clinical associate and instructor for the department of psychiatry-child section at Dartmouth Medical School in Lebanon, N.H., tells parents that it is important to discuss the rules and expectations that each member has for the family. "When a new family blends, members may be dancing to different beats," he says. "In fact, this is inevitable. By talking about expectations, a new dance can develop over time so that the new blended family members will learn how best not to step on each other's toes."
"Many teens test their parents and stepparents to see whether they will continue to be patient, understanding and welcoming," says Bartell. "The most difficult period is the first year after the wedding."