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Home › Articles › Relationships › Tying a New Knot

Tying a New Knot

How Grandparent Remarriage Affects You and Your Family

By Becky Lane

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"It's easy for family members to get prickly about a new man or woman taking their mom or dad's or grandma or grandpa's place in a new marriage," Masini says. "[But] children will follow their parents' lead when it comes to accepting a new grandparent." So putting a positive spin on the new grandparent relationship is helpful, even if you're not yet ready to accept it yourself.

Making the Transition
What are some ways to make your children and you comfortable with the adjustment of grandparent remarriage? "Introduce them to the new partner as soon as possible, especially before the wedding," says James Green, a Winston-Salem, N.C., father of two whose divorced parents both remarried recently.

Lewis agrees but says grandparents should hold off on introducing their new mate to the family until they are sure the relationship is serious. "Plan brief get-togethers," she says. "Drop over to the grandchildren's home for a short visit; take them to a restaurant or movie something that is short with an activity and a limited time. Do this several times before planning longer get-togethers."

"Tell [your kids] what is happening, that Grandma [or Grandpa] is going to live with X, and answer their questions honestly," says Green, whose sons, ages 4 and 1 1/2, were very accepting of their new grandparents. "Don't force them to call the new partner Grandpa or another term if they aren't inclined to use it."

Family Revisions
One of the main difficulties families face with grandparent remarriage is "getting along with a new set of genes," says Debbie Mandel, a stress-management specialist and author of Changing Habits: The Caregivers' Total Workout(Catholic Book Publishing, 2005).Masini agrees. "What was traditio may suddenly change because of a new spouse," she says. "If everyone went to the daughter's house for Thanksgiving every year, but this year the new stepgrandma wants to throw Thanksgiving at her house and include her side of the family, there may be World War III issues over what could normally be a simple dinner."

Even everyday family dynamics can be changed with the introduction of a new grandma or grandpa. "I think the dynamic of our family as a whole has changed somewhat," Mace says. "We were a very close family. While I'm still close to my sisters and mom, the absence of my dad is very noticeable. My mom's new husband is quite different from my dad."

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