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Dads Today Divorce Series Part One
The Weekend Daddy By Carma Haley
With the divorce rate increasing steadily over the past 10 years, it's no surprise that children must learn to adjust to living with one parent while "visiting" the other. Whether justified or not, 84 percent of custody battles are decided in favor of the mother. Where does this leave Dad?
"The feeling of being an outsider in the day-to-day lives of your children can be very painful," says Lowell R. Dillon, president of Ashby/Dillion advertising and non-custodial father. As with most non-custodial fathers, Dillon has visitation with his children according to a schedule ordered by the courts.
These visitation schedules range in allotted time from a few hours a week to alternating weekends. In most cases, child support is ordered and it is not uncommon for visitation to be severed if it is not paid. While helping to support the child is important, money should be secondary to personal contact and a relationship between father and child.
In a divorce involving children and custody, parents should remember that the children are going to suffer as well. Parents, both custodial and non-custodial, should attempt to make the transition from a two-parent household to parents in two households as easy as possible.
Kimberly Hemmell, a 16-year-old student from Richmond, Va., explains. "My dad would buy me and my brother new toys, take us to eat and to the park every time we were with him for visitation. He gave us whatever he could, whenever we wanted it. The thing is, we didn't want it. We wanted him. We wanted his attention and his love, not his money. Giving gifts is not a replacement for telling someone you love them. That's all we wanted, well at least all I wanted. I wanted him to tell me that even though he and Mom didn't love each other, he still loved me."
Non-custodial fathers learn the idea that buying love doesn't work through their own trial and error. "Initially I went through a period of wanting to really entertain [my children]," says Dillon. "There was a strong desire to make the time be the 'best visitation ever.' Maybe I was really trying to win back their love. Over time, however, I realized I couldn't win back their love through entertainment, etc. I realized that if they were going to be close to me, it would have to be on their own terms. Visitations have become more normal over time. We do regular things like chores and grocery shopping. This is a much better way to handle it, plus it is easier to help them feel comfortable in my new life at [my] home."
Want to see more?
- Ask Brian Newman, founder of Dads and Divorce and member of theDadsToday expert panel, your questions about how divorce affects your kids.
- Read Part Three of our Dads and Divorce Series.
- Read Part Two of our Dads and Divorce Series.
- Chat with other divorced dads on the Divorced Dads discussion board.
- If your marriage is still hanging on, read Preconception.com's article Relationship Top 10s for advice on keeping your marriage together.