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Home › Articles › Relationships › Marriage Without Criticism

Marriage Without Criticism

Straight Talk for Men and Women

By Marty Friedman, author of Straight Talk for Men About Marriage – What Men Need to Know About Marriage (And What Women Need to Know About Men)

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Dissecting Criticism
Men usually criticize their wives to diminish them, to "put them in their place." A man like that is feeling a lack of power or love and appreciation in his life. So he attacks his wife. Some men take out their inadequacies and frustrations this way. They feel weak and "feminine" and it scares them, so they put down their woman to feel better. Criticism like this is a form of abuse; it is completely unacceptable, and a man who repeatedly does it is less than a man. Men should take a strong look at their motivations for criticism and the effect criticism is having on their marriages. For men, criticism often comes from self-loathing.

What about women's criticism? Some women criticize to hurt their men because they feel hurt and under-appreciated. A sharp tongue is their best weapon. However, most women I know criticize or "nag" for a very different reason: They are actually trying to help their men. Of course, we men don't know that. What we experience is that our wives are trying to change us. And nobody likes to be changed; we want to be the one who decides whether we'll change, so we resist or tune out any effort to change us. Men who get negative messages too often from their wives may become alienated, shamed and angry, and they may refuse to even listen to criticisms, much less make needed changes. That, in turn, may make a woman even more frustrated and increase her criticism.

What Men and Women Really Want
Most married men want two things: more sex and less criticism. But underneath these is something more basic. What men want most from their women is appreciation for what they do. Men want to feel that they've made their women happy and that they are a success story – heroes even – with their wives and families.


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