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Toddling Toward Independence

What Dads Need to Know
as Their Children Grow

By Mark Stackpole

Ask any dad and he'll tell you that it is a very short ride from holding his cooing, smiling bundle of joy to dealing with a toddler who refuses to stop painting the walls with peanut butter. Though the love for his children never stops, it does change and evolve over time. As they grow up, dads will continue to expand their knowledge as well; the learning, adjusting and transitioning never really stops. The change from baby to toddler is only the beginning, but it is perhaps the best opportunity to lay the foundation for what happens in the future.

"Fathers need to try to be a half-step ahead," says Dr. Michael Connor, a clinical psychologist at California State University, Long Beach, and the lead editor of Black Fathers: An Invisible Presence in America (Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, 2006). "We enjoy having the baby fall asleep on our chests, but in the next second, it has all changed. Independence can be embarrassing for a parent, but it is necessary. After all, there's no sleeping on your chest for the child when he's 27 years old."

As the child grows from a lovable lump into a questioning and challenging little boy or girl, a father needs to be able to set the tone for their relationship. "Dads are very important to a child's development," says Connor. "It is critical for fathers to become aware of normative behaviors, for him to know what sort of independence he wants for his child and how to reinforce those behaviors."

One of the ways a father can do that is to examine what kind of example he is setting in the home. "In the past, dads were routinely the breadwinners and moms took care of the kids and home," says Connor. "Today, it's not really like that as much, and the responsibilities are merging. There are certain things that I want my kids to see me doing. I might not be able to give birth or breastfeed, but I can nurture, cook and play. As a father, I would want my daughters to see how I treat their mother and provide an example of how men treat women and how women want to be treated by men."

Want to see more?

• In a Toddler's World ... 10 Things Toddlers Know and Adults Don't
• Up, Up and Away! Dealing With Climbing Toddlers
• Oh, Those Toddlers! 3 Big Reasons to Celebrate Your Little One
• Talk about it!

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