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Guilt and the Stay-at-Home Dad
Lessons on Letting Go and Accepting the Now
By Michael Sheridan
It's almost a weekly occurrence at our house. Every weekend, when either my wife or I want to go somewhere, it's usually preceded by one question that gets repeated over and over again: "Is it OK if I go out?" she'll ask, when she wants to go get a haircut or catch a movie with a friend.
"Do you mind?" I'll ask, if ever I want to do the same.
It happens all the time. And every time we are both consumed by the same feeling: guilt! It never fails. She works full time, and I stay home to raise our 2-year-old son. But whenever we want to go do something either at night during the week or on the weekends, we're always afraid that we're not being considerate of each other. She deserves time to relax after a busy day at the office, and I deserve some time out of the house.
We tried to talk about it, but after a while it eventually led to an argument that was both stupid and irrelevant. Guilt has that power to twist your stomach into knots, and very often we blame others for making us feel it in the first place.
When we had our argument, it was because for one reason or another I decided to blame my feelings on my wife. Seemed reasonable at the time. I felt guilty for wanting to go out and do something, and the reason I felt that way was because that's what she wanted me to feel. It was her way to control our relationship and make me do things her way.
Of course, shortly after the argument began, I realized just how foolish that was. Guilt isn't something people make us feel; guilt is something we create ourselves. But why do we feel that way? What is it that causes us, as parents, to feel guilty?