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Thanks Dad

A Worried Dad-to-be Looks to the Stars

By Mark Stackpole

st time in my life, I realized that the links in the chain that connect "angry young man" to "bitter old man" are forged one regret at a time. I forgave him one minute too late.

I talked to him the night before those tests just as I would have had he been here. Despite our deep rift, I like to think that he would have been as excited about the baby as we were. He wouldn't have showed it to me firsthand, hiding his feelings behind merciless teasing about the sperm count that led to our reliance on IUI. He would have made sure that I was treating Charlotte right, and when the baby finally did arrive, he would have scowled until no one was looking. Only then would he have broken out into a goofy grin, tongue wagging heavily out of his contorted mouth. If anyone had caught him in this rare, unguarded moment, he would have stopped instantly, the scowl returning to his face after the quick flash of a knowing grin. I like to imagine we played this same game when I was a baby, and that I used to see that same face in the days before memory.

The test results came back sooner than expected, showing that Charlotte's HCG levels had gone through the roof and that there was absolutely nothing to worry about. The next ultrasound revealed that the baby was now several days ahead of schedule in terms of growth. All future tests were cancelled, and we were on our way to a happy and healthy pregnancy. Dad was finally listening after all. I talked to him again that night, but earlier this time because I knew that I was going to bed early and would not have any trouble sleeping.

Charlotte is now almost halfway through her pregnancy, and the "little guy" that I mentioned to Dad is actually a little girl. Corinne Elizabeth is growing at a mind-boggling rate and the weeks are flying by. We felt her kick for the first time the other night. Char is really showing now, and I have never seen her as happy as she has been for the last few months. Pregnancy agrees with her, and I am sure that motherhood will as well. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I am going to have a little girl who will soon look to me for love and guidance. That beats anger and bitterness any day of the week.

We cannot wait to welcome Corinne, for whom we have been waiting a long time. She is due to arrive on December 29, 2003, which interestingly enough is the ninth anniversary of my father's passing away. I do not doubt for a second that he played a role in helping me hang onto the greatest gift that I have ever received. Nor do I doubt that one of the reasons that he did it was to make sure that I knew how hard fatherhood actually is. Don't worry, Dad, I'll let her know how you were there for her when she needed you, and I will never forget that you were there for me when I needed you, too.

Late one winter night, when she gets a little older, I will take her out into our backyard, and together we will look to the sky hoping to see a contorted face, goofy grin and wagging tongue playing peek-a-boo amongst the stars.

Want to see more?

• Mark!: One Man's Story of Fertility Success
• The House Is Quiet: Loving My Niece While Waiting My Turn at Parenthood
• Preconception Abbreviations
• Crueler Than Hope: Handling the Disappointments of Trying to Conceive
• Egg Day: Taking the Next Step Toward Conception
• Fuzzy Blue Hippo: A Hopeful Dad's Wait for Conception
• Fuzzy Blue Hippo: A Letter to My Baby on the Way