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Fuzzy Blue Hippo
A Hopeful Dad's Wait
By Mark Stackpole
It took me a long time to realize that you are, of course, none of these things. My cavalier approach was born more of my need to protect myself than anything else. Emotional distance is easier to maintain than emotional intimacy. If I couldn't have the grapes, it would be easier to pretend that I never wanted them. Freudian reaction formation. Because wanting you here would mean being hurt if you never arrived. I realize now just how much of a cliche I have been. Nobody wants you here more than I do, but I let my fear and selfish desire to protect my own heart stand in the way. Stand guard is more like it. I needed to let you into my heart and keep you out for exactly the same reasons. I'm not sure I have the strength to accommodate that oxymoron.
It reminds me of The Wizard of Oz. (By the time you are old enough to read this, you will know those characters as deeply as everyone else in our culture.) I have focused my energies on being cavalierly clinical -- reading books, doing math, and observing from a distance. If I only had a brain, I would be able to see that I had a heart all along, though it was tough to get to underneath the tin. In that heart, I would have found my courage. The courage to be vulnerable. The courage to admit that I wanted you here and was afraid that you might not come. The courage to face my fears about what kind of father I will eventually be. Like the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion, I was looking to outside forces for answers that could only be found within. "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." Indeed.
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