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Grunts, Snarls and Verbal Abuse

How to Break the Silence and Poor Communication Patterns

By Laura Paul

, published at Harvard, says parents might want to try talking to their teenager while driving in a car. And Simpson should know, as she has lots of experience. She is the program director for parenting education and research at Massachusetts Institute of Technology in Cambridge, Mass., and the chief consultant to the Harvard Parenting Project at the Harvard School of Public Health. Most important, she has two teenage boys and a teenage daughter.

While everyone has a bad day, don't tolerate rude behavior on a regular basis, Simpson says. "There is nothing in the research that suggests parents should tolerate behavior that is seriously against their principles or is disrespectful of parents," she says. "The research is very clear that it's important to set limits with teenagers, including around their behavior with parents. So it's a fine line essentially. It's important to understand they are going to be, as we all are, cranky at times. It's also important to set expectations that they will nonetheless be respectful and handle their interactions in an appropriate way."

Simpson says parents need to recognize their teenagers are going through developmental changes that affect their communication with parents. Realize it is not personal. "It's possible to say, for example, 'I'd rather not talk about this right now. It's not a good time,' instead of snarling and saying something rude," she says.

In conclusion, it's never too late to learn good communication skills. Parents may engage their children in conversation at the dinner table as well as during activities. Also, keep them involved in activities where they may converse with other adults to keep their social skills fine-tuned.

Want to see more?

• Shh, Mom! Stop Spilling My Secrets: Why Parents Should Use Discretion When Talking About Their Teens
• Behavior Contracts: What Can They Do for You? An Interview with Mark Kichler, President of KidsContracts, Inc.
• The Lost Art of Letter Writing: How to Get Your Child to Pick up a Pen
• Check out our Article Library.
• Talk about it!