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Cohabiting Couples Raising Teens
Why Teens Benefit When Couples Say, "I Do."
By Laura Paul
"If the couple lives together, the teenager does not know what the person's role is," Robredo says. "Is their role that they are Mom's boyfriend or Dad's girlfriend? If there are other parents in the picture, there is even less authority."
Alison Pratt, a psychologist and stepmother to one teenager, says she decided to counsel blended families after becoming a part of one when she married 11 years ago. Pratt, who lives in Long Island, N.Y., says the cornerstone of all relationships is respect. "You say (to the teen) you don't have to love this person, but you do have to respect this person," Pratt says.
She says the parent and functional stepparent need to set the rules for the home. Teenagers need and respect boundaries.
"When the kid says, 'At Mom or Dad's house, we don't do things that way. I don't have to clean my room,' you say, 'OK, in that house that's fine but in this house we do things this way,'" Pratt says. "Kids are good at adapting. They can understand there are one set of rules at Mom's house and another set of rules at Dad's house."
Robredo says teenagers need to feel like they belong and that they are important. Teenagers are going to sense tension, and couples in blended families are going to have their share of it.
"The latest research on cohabiting is that cohabiting couples have a far higher divorce rate than couples who don't," Robredo says. "I think when you are looking at a second marriage, you are looking at a higher divorce rate anyway so it seems you are increasing your chances to get divorced."
Pratt says, as a stepmother, she learned to redefine the word family and accept the former spouse as part of it. "ith a stepfamily you always consider the other parent," she says. "When you are married and you want to have a bond with your spouse, you don't want to have to think of 'exes.' You can't do that when children are involved. You can't completely put the past behind you because the 'ex' is an important part of the child's life."
