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Playing with Dad
Can Roughhousing Go Too Far?
By Mark Stackpole
Green believes that playing is a natural way for fathers and sons to interact. "Research shows that fathers tend to activate their children to interact with them," he says. "Roughhouse-type play such as tumbling and wrestling has been proven to teach self-confidence, assertiveness and self-control, as well as teaching limits."
Sometimes it is the parent who risks being hurt during roughhousing, but even that can carry some positive outcomes, according to Green, as long as the situation becomes a teaching opportunity to educate the child on the importance of appropriate interactions.
But what happens when a father takes roughhousing too far or uses it not to have fun and establish trust, but rather to "toughen up" his son? "If the motives of a father are to teach his son to 'be a man,' then the danger becomes getting into abusive play," says Green. "The potential for teaching harmful lessons becomes greater, like combativeness rather than confidence."
Green is quick to point out, however, that these potential drawbacks result more often from the intentions and motivations of the father rather than from the style of play. Unless roughhousing is abused, most research points to benefits.
A self-described "little guy" growing up, he has been in situations where he felt "nervous, scared and overwhelmed." In spite of these experiences and his eventual army career, Mitchell is not concerned at all about the "toughness" of son, Matthew, and brand-new daughter, Callie. "As weird as it sounds, I have no desire to roughhouse with Matthew," he says. "Do I have a desire to chase and tackle my son? No. Do I want Matt and Callie to feel safe when they walk at night? Yes."
As Mitchell sees it, there are more important things for him to teach his children other than physical toughness. For this reason, Mitchell plans to enroll his children in martial arts classes when they get a bit older. "Not to make them tough, but instead, to build confidence," he says. "I think toughness comes in a mental form."
Grabowski concurs, saying, "I think that if you show a boy that he is big and tough and will be a success just because he gave the kid down the street a black eye, then not only are you hurting the people he comes into contact with, but you are seriously underestimating what that boy holds in him and what his true gifts would have been had he been encouraged to let them come to the surface."
