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Home › Articles › Relationships › Dads Today Divorce Series Part Three

Dads Today Divorce Series Part Three

Shared Parenting With Your Ex : Putting the Kids First

By Michele St. Martin

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  • Wanting Nothing to Do With Your Ex: Children will be happier and will better adjust to their changing family if they see that their parents can be in the same room together. The children will not stop needing both Mom and Dad just because the parents no longer love each other. Even if you have to grit your teeth to get through it, it will be worth it for your child to see that the two adults she/he loves best can still communicate and be present when it is important.
  • Putting Your Child in the Middle: The important piece here is to never expect your child to communicate for you. If you ever catch yourself saying, "Tell your mom ..." try to find a better way. Even the simplest messages can make your child feel like they have been "put in the middle," not to mention that what actually gets communicated might be a lot different than what you intended.
  • Difficulty With Shared Decision-Making: Although there are a number of divorces that result in joint legal and physical custody, it is more common for one parent to have physical custody and for both parents to share legal custody. Legal custody addresses education, religion and medical care. Hence the really important decisions should be shared (another reason to keep those communication lines open and operational!).

    • Communication is Key
    How parents decide to communicate on important matters is subject to personal style and how much they can stand being together. For some parents this is hardly an issue, and phone calls and conversations happen easily. For others, it might be easier to write or e-mail or even let your voicemail boxes handle the bulk of conversation.

    In really difficult cases, parents may need to talk with a mediator present. Normally, mediators are used early in the divorce process to work through some of the tough issues. However, it is not uncommon to meet with a mediator years after divorce to iron out sticky issues.

    *Name changed to protect the individual's privacy

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