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Dads Today Divorce Series Part Three
Shared Parenting With Your Ex : Putting the Kids First By Michele St. Martin
When a couple divorces, it's natural to have negative feelings. If the divorce was a difficult one, lingering feelings of resentment may make communication difficult. You may feel like you never want to see your ex again. But when there are children involved, you can kiss that wish goodbye.
You'll have to negotiate custody, support, visitation and major and minor events in your children's lives. "For some people, having ongoing contact with their former partner is very hard," says Jeannie Piekos, who runs the Family Education program at Chrysalis, A Center for Women, in Minneapolis, and coordinates programs for divorcing families. "But there are still doctor appointments, recitals and parent-teacher conferences. While the best advice is to be mature and adult about it, this is not always easy. The essential thing to remember is that both parents are important and valuable to their children."
Drew Morris* found having to be around his ex-wife, Julie, very painful. After Julie* left him for another man, Drew had to deal with feelings of hurt, anger and betrayal. Working out the joint custody arrangement was difficult. "I still loved Julie, and I also hated her," he says. "I couldn't stand to be in the same room with her, but at the same time, I missed our life together."
Drew avoided situations where he and Julie were together. "Instead of calling Julie about arrangements to pick up or drop off the kids, I'd send messages through the kids. And sometimes I'd say things like, 'Tell your Mom if she's not too busy with her boyfriend, she can pick you up at six.' I refused to communicate with Julie directly." It took an emotional scene with his 8-year-old daughter for him to see how his feelings were affecting his children.
"I told Dana that I couldn't come to her school play, and she started to cry," Drew recounts. "She said that she wanted me to be there, that she wanted both her mom and me to be there. I realized that my behavior was hurting the kids. It took a lot of work on my part to be able to be comfortable around Julie and her new boyfriend. But I kept reminding myself that my kids had been through a lot and that they needed both their parents. Whatever problems we have, she's still their mom."
Want to see more?
- Read the first two articles in the Dads Today Divorce Series: Part One -- The Weekend Daddy and Part Two -- Daddy's House: When Fathers Are Awarded Full Custody of Their Children
- Read the first two articles in the Dads Today Divorce Series: Part One -- The Weekend Daddy and Part Two -- Daddy's House: When Fathers Are Awarded Full Custody of Their Children
- Chat with other divorced dads on the Divorced Dads discussion board.
