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Dine and Dash

10 Tips for Dining Out with Toddlers

By Mark Cloud

6. If it's apparent that your little one is just too distracted to eat in the restaurant, don't force the issue. He'll be hungry when you get home, though, so be sure to ask your nice server to put the perfectly good food that's on the floor into a "to go" box.

7. Bring earplugs. They'll allow you to finish your meal calmly and in silence while your precious one screams and writhes in what appears to be the most unbearable distress because you, the big meanie, won't let him stand on the table and grab the chandelier.

8. Take a fully charged Dustbuster. Those seated at neighboring tables may give you some odd looks when you turn it on, but you'll be glad you have it when toddler-boy discovers that the salt and pepper shakers, not to mention the sugar bowl, don't have childproof caps.

9. Go ahead and let him crawl around under your table – it will keep him entertained. And don't worry if he somehow escapes, makes his way under another party's table, points at an elderly lady's crotch and loudly asks, "What's that?" The other party will undoubtedly find it all terribly cute and endearing, and you can just laugh it off by explaining that he's at an inquisitive stage.

10. And finally, never ever go back to that same restaurant again. Instead, the next time you eat out, go to a completely different place so a whole new group of restaurant workers and patrons get to experience the joy that is your toddler dining in public.