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When They Need You Most
Dads and Daughters By Carma Haley Shoemaker
Fathers have no experience in what it's like to grow up a girl. "No matter how much we love them and how much we want to connect, our growing daughters are sometimes a complete mystery to us, just because they're female," says Kelly.
Hurdle Two
There is no one to talk to. "Who can we talk to about raising a girl (or even about being a father, period)," says Kelly. "We're afraid that if we ask our daughters' mothers a basic question, we may get a roll of the eyes that leaves us feeling like dolts. It's embarrassing to ask our own mothers for advice, and our dads seem to know as little as we do." Hurdle Three
Fathers are stereotyped. One minute, fathers are seen as second-class parents invisible or incompetent. The next moment, they are cast as all-knowing superheroes. Which role do they take on? "Most folks (including dads) think that Mom is best suited to be the primary and most influential parent," says Kelly. "That mindset manifests itself everywhere from the school nurse to family court. Watch the sitcom daddy who doesn't know which end of the baby to put the bottle in or who gags when changing a diaper. That's the stereotype of Daddy as a dummy." Hurdle Four
The Provider Predicament Growing up, fathers learn that their primary role is to provide for their family. That's a true and good thing for them to learn. But too many fathers define the word "provide" with their wallet. "We expect ourselves to spend more time at a paying job than Mom, so that we fulfill our role as provider for our kids," says Kelly. "However, this way of thinking requires a significant tradeoff that we seldom address squarely. To meet that relentless economic provider expectation, we spend more time, energy and attention away from home (and our kids) than mothers do." Hurdle Five
