- my iParenting
- quick clicks
- dads today articles
- dads today q&a
- message boards
- research baby names
- prepare a birth plan
- content channels
- ip channel rss feeds
- read birth stories
- read parenting stories
- recommended books
- e-newsletters
- safety recalls
- ip diaries
- ip store
- mom of the month
- dad of the month
- editor's letter
- letters to the editor
 |
- e-newsletters
- Sign up to receive our free weekly e-newsletters
- award-winning products
The iParenting Media Awards program helps parents find the best products for their families.
A Father's Emotional Legacy
What Will You Pass Down to Your Children?
By Ann Haarman
Shapiro agrees that what men learn unconsciously about fathering from their own childhood can easily become their fathering destiny, whether they react by trying to be Dad's carbon copy or his polar opposite. But it doesn't have to be that way. If you want to teach your children different, healthier emotional habits, Shapiro recommends that you start by reconnecting with your own father.
"What I need to do is to understand my father," Shapiro says. "I need to know what was going on in his life." If you do that, you can see the fathering choices he made as guided by his individual situation, rather than unconsciously seeing them as fathering rules that you need to follow, too. For example, if you had a father who worked all the time, you need to find out why he felt he had to do that. "My guess is that for a lot of these men, their fathers had to do that kind of work," Shapiro says. "It wasn't that they were avoiding their families."
If your father is still alive, you can ask him directly what it was like when you were a kid. In most cases, Shapiro says, "You can't sit down in the living room and say to your father 'So, Dad, what was it like emotionally?'"
It'll be easier for your dad to answer your questions if you bring them up while you're working together on a project. If he is gone or unavailable, you can get the answers you need from other people.
