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A Note to Fathers

It's You She Wants

By Lois Wilson

Once again it became clear that each situation, each couple, each birth presented unique challenges that simply could not be addressed in a predetermined, formulaic way. My approach to fathers at birth, I finally realized, would have to be like my approach to mothers at birth: guided by observation and intuition, deep caring, respect and a firm belief that if both he and his partner wanted him to be present and involved, then there was a unique niche for him, and together we would find it.

Gone, now, were the labels and expectations. Instead, we looked for each father's unique strengths and liabilities. Most of all, I assured each dad that he never had to be anyone or anything other than himself at the birth. I also told my dads that they were their partner's lover and that their most important role at the birth was one they did every day without classes, books or practice: loving the mom. You could literally see the dads relax as this thought sunk in and took root. Just be yourself. Just love your partner. It's you she wants at the birth, not someone else's idea of a labor coach. You.

And the result of all this was beautiful to behold: couple after couple finding the way to labor together in a dance that was uniquely their own.

Want to see more?

• Partner Power: How Your Birth Partner Can Help in Labor
• Prenatal Panic: When Father Fears He May Not Know Best
• What Not to Do in the Delivery Room
• Dads-to-Be Discussion Board