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The Effects of Divorce on Toddlers
Tips for Making the Transition Easier on Small Children
By Emily Mendell
When Carla* of Wilmington, Dele., and her husband realized their marriage of six years was coming to an end, they made a conscious effort to communicate the news to their respective families in a thoughtful and deliberate manner. Each spouse met first with their own parents, and then with their in-laws, explaining and confirming that, while their marriage was over, they remained committed to raising their two boys, Andrew, 3, and Jack, 1, in a healthy and happy environment.
In this regard, their behavior was exemplary. Yet, when Carla thought about telling the children that their dad was moving to a new home, she found herself lost for words and extremely emotional.
"Despite the fact that they are young, it is still traumatic to tell a child who loves his parents that we won't be living together, even though he doesn't understand the concept of marriage," Carla says. "It hurts to put him in an environment that we didn't plan. I know he will thrive, but it will alter his world. It tugs at the heartstrings."
Still, Carla is grateful that she and her husband are making this decision now when the boys are still so young. It was one of the factors that influenced the timing of their separation. "I would rather do this when they were younger," she says. "We talked specifically about not wanting to stay married and then risk getting divorced when they are 10 years old. At the toddler age, you are defining what normal is. I have room to adjust their routine in a way that is not damaging. But on the emotional level, I'm sure there is an impact."
Dr. Beth Greenberg, a clinical psychologist in Worcester, Mass., agrees and cautions that divorce may seem easier on toddlers but in reality, it could be more difficult.
"I don't think divorce is necessarily easier on toddlers – it's different," Dr. Greenberg says. "Toddlers have a different level of awareness than school-age children. A 1-year-old won't experience the loss of the family. The divorced family is all they will remember. In that sense, it may be easier on them. But on the flip side, toddlers are more vulnerable to changes in their environment and they can't express themselves as well. We think it is easy on them because they don't tell us otherwise."
