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Fuzzy Blue Hippo

A Hopeful Dad's Wait

By Mark Stackpole

I still do believe all those things, actually, though now I know that I am more ready for you than I was originally prepared to admit (to myself or anyone else). There was something about this time that was different. As it turns out, you weren't where I thought you were. Your mom ended up not being pregnant with you after all, despite lots of positive signs. I know that this is a soft science with lots of exceptions and few steadfast rules. There are lots of ifs, ands, buts, maybes, and at least one more not quite yet.

OK, so you weren't in the uterus. The womb. Your mommy's tummy. But you were in my heart. I felt you like the last warm breeze before sunset. The one that makes me want to push the sun back up into the sky so I can squeeze five more minutes out of the day. That's how it felt to have you in my heart. I wasn't ready for it to end. When I learned that you were not here yet, that day deepened into evening. There will be other days, other months, and more tries. I will chart the temperatures and continue to read everything I can get my hands on. The most important thing that I have learned, though, is that you are out there somewhere. And I finally have the courage to admit how much I want to meet you. How much I want you in my life.

I'll be here waiting for you until then. Don't worry about being able to recognize me – I'll be the one holding a fuzzy blue hippo.

Love,
Dad

Want to see more?

• Fanning the Flames: Keeping the Love Alive While You're Trying to Conceive
• Male Factor: Infertility From His Perspective
• The Infertility Marketplace: Terms You Need To Know
• Hopeful Dads Discussion Board