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Grief and Toddlers

Can They Understand Loss?

By Kelly Burgess

When my neighbor's husband was killed in a traffic accident, her children were 2 1/2 and 8 months old. Shortly thereafter, she put her house on the market. The family had only lived there for two years, and she explained to us that she felt it would be better for the kids if they lived closer to her parents for emotional and practical support.

According to Terese Vorsheck, director of the Highmark Caring Place, a center for grieving children, adolescents and their families in Pennsylvania, having those family members close by can be a big help in easing the grief of both the surviving parent and the children andhelping the children create lasting memories of their deceased parent.

Toddlers don't really understand death in the same way that adults do, Vorsheck says. They don't understand that it's permanent, and they probably don't remember from day to day and even hour to hour the explanation for why their mom, dad, grandparent or sibling is no longer in their life. This can be tough on the parent, who, in the midst of their own grief, may have to answer the same questions a number of times.

"What's important to understand is that those questions are coming from the child's inability to understand that death is permanent,"Vorsheck says. "It does require a lot of patience, which can be very difficult, but the best thing a parent can do is to answer the questions to the best of their ability."

Vorsheck says that when answering those questions, it's important not to use euphemisms such as saying the loved one is "sleeping." Not onlycan this continue to confuse the child, butit can scareher and put negative connotations on the act of going to sleep at night. For a child this young, it's enough to say, "Daddy (or Grandma, Grandpa, etc.) died." Explain in the simplest terms possible that this means they won't be coming back.

This lack of understanding and seeming forgetfulness does not mean that the child is not grieving. Linda Kelly, program director at the Center for Grieving Children in Portland, Maine, says even children that young experience loss very deeply.

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