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Fathers and Sons
Embracing the Changes
By Teri Brown
Change is inevitable, especially during the teen years. Even the bond between fathers and sons goes through a metamorphosis of sorts as both try to figure out what growing up – and away – actually means.
For Rick Graw of Portland, Ore., change means the command and control approach will no longer work. "Communication with my son has become more of a partnering approach where he has real input about how a problem is solved," he says. "It doesn't always work. We're still trying to figure it out."
Neil Talkoff, a psychoanalyst in private practice in San Francisco, says that conflicting feelings as a child grows is natural. "All parents and their children must negotiate transitional, developmental phases, and it is only natural for parents to have conflicting feelings as they watch their children grow," he says. "In a healthy family, there is room to talk about these feelings, and hopefully the father can cope with his own feelings – often pride, envy, regret – without inappropriately holding the son responsible for causing them."
Adolescence often occurs about the time that fathers are dealing with middle age and their own loss of physical stamina. Dealing with that as their own sons are coming into their physical prime can often be difficult, but as Talkoff says, it is up to the father to make sure that doesn't spill over into their relationship with their son. "Sometimes, fathers feel guilty about feeling competitive with sons, or sad as they acknowledge their own limitations in comparison," he says. "Denial of these can lead to friction with the son, difficulty letting him move on, etc. Sons, too, can have conflicted feelings about becoming men. Scratch any assertive teen boy and you're likely to find a child who fears losing the security of parental guidance."
