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Blended Families
Making It Work for Everyone By Kelly Burgess
Just as there may be different parenting styles between ex-spouses, there may be between the new spouses. For example, a parent may be very lenient with their own children and very strict with the stepchildren. Bouchard says it's very common for discipline to go out the window because of guilt over the failed relationship. She tries to help parents see the context in which they are dealing with the children and emphasizes the importance of fairness.
While those are some possible scenarios, Bouchard says the following two points are most important because they may help families avoid the above problems:
- Give the child time. Don't expect him or her to immediately like the person you have chosen to marry or to think they're OK because you chose them. After all, your judgment has already been called into question.
- Don't bad mouth your ex. This may seem like a no-brainer, but it's probably the biggest problem in divorces with children. Make no mistake, regardless of what a jerk your ex is, this hurts the children terribly and can keep them from establishing healthy relationships between both houses.
"Divorce is very difficult on children and ... they may not even realize why they are upset or confused," says Bouchard. "The best thing is to be patient with the children and not be afraid of their questions. Seek to understand and be curious about the child's relationship to eerything that's going on. Don't avoid it or allow your guilt to keep you from being there for the child. Remember, there is a grieving process because [you] have lost a secure relationship. Respect that process."
