Relationships that Work ... Together

Couples that Live and Work Side By Side

By Phyllis Edgerly Ring

"Building in personal time to be together and have fun is vital for any marriage," says Doug Welpton. "The more physical the activity, the better, and it helps if it's not only stress-free and relaxing, but makes you laugh, preferably from the belly."

Because they love music, the Grovers started a coffeehouse for boarding school students as a means of enjoying time with each other, too. "We tried hard not to talk about work when we weren't on duty and budgeted time away from school at some beautiful place once a month and went walking or hiking out in the woods," says Jane Grover.

Having hobbies they enjoy doing together helps the Lovejoys transition from co workers to being a couple, says Lisa Lovejoy. "As soon as we leave the office, we're quite successful at becoming a married couple enjoying our favorite leisure activities," she says. "Whether biking, boating, kayaking or gardening, our minds are taken off the company and back to our personal life together."

It's important to make time together time away from work, Lovejoy adds, because "even though we see each other all day, we aren't doing personal things. Most of the time at work, although we are in the same 'space,' we are doing our own things."

Since leaving the New York corporate world 15 years ago to run a business from their New Hampshire home, the Haynes have made a life in which home and work flow together. Their children might find them with their heads together planning a photo shoot, accompany them to an outdoor location, or travel with them to Boston for work at a textbook publisher's headquarters.

"Our work has always been real for them, something they could experience, too," says Marita Haynes. "It has allowed us more time with them, and allowed them more access to us. Sure, we sometimes miss regular hours, insurance and vacations that someone else pays for, but our time together working and as family makes up for that."

Tools for Working Couples Growing within marriage requires tools that help couples explore what love is really about, not just what they imagine it to be, says psychiatrist Doug Welpton. Many of the tools that help couples work together can be used by all couples to create successful relationships: Make nurturing your relationship the top priority. Schedule personal time together that includes low-stress physical activity, and which ideally, makes you laugh together. Say "no" to technology and the interruptions it brings. Turn off – or leave behind – cell phones and pagers when you're taking personal time together. Divide shared tasks (work or home life), keep the divisions clear and respect each other's boundaries as courteously as you would those of another work colleague. Don't criticize. Welpton recommends a "mirroring" technique described by author and couples therapist Harville Hendrix in Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, through which couples can learn to voice and hear each other's frustrations in a constructive way.

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