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Delivery Room Don'ts
What Not to Do in the Delivery Room
By Mark Cloud
As you sit in the chair, absolutely do not eat beef jerky and garlic flavored corn chips. Apparently, a woman's senses of smell and hearing are heightened while giving birth. Consequently, both the odors and noises coming from your mouth can be somewhat off-putting to her. (On a side note, my wife has assured me that the jerky-and-chip-eating man should not take it personally when the woman points a finger at him and yells, "Get that crap out of here!")
If you are still in the delivery room at this point, you will see the doctor check how far dilated the woman's cervix is. Men, this is not the time to tell a joke. Specifically, as the doctor prepares to check, do not tell your wife, "Say 'aaahhh.'" It's true that in many contexts this is an amusing comment, but, alas, this is not one of them. In fact, the use of this comment in this situation will subject you to the withering glares of your wife, her mother and hospital personnel. You will then be consumed by an overwhelming shame for even having thought such a horrid thing.
At this point, you may try to avoid confronting your shame by watching the television in the labor and delivery room. But this is critical: Once the woman is in active labor, do not turn on the TV. Even after her labor is over (i.e. the baby is actually born), you should suppress your urge to see what's on TV. And if the doctor is holding your newborn and asks you to cut the umbilical cord, it is particularly unacceptable to tell him to hold on a minute while you check to see if the World's Strongest Man competition is being shown again on ESPN2.
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