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Reflections on Motherhood

A One-Year Birthday and a Baby on the Way

By Kate Riener Boyd

get quite fatigued, and my emotional roller coaster is riding the rails 24 hours a day.

Waking in the middle of the night is a pregnancy hallmark for me – I did it throughout my first – and it's beginning again. Most times it's to empty my bladder, but that's often followed by lying awake obsessing about some tiny aspect of my life from how to reorganize the kitchen pantry to where to put the new baby, from a friendship lost a dozen years ago to current trouble with a "used-to-be-close-friends" family member. I am often awake for more than an hour each night, sometimes more than once, frittering away the precious sleep I desperately need to keep up with the 1-year-old who has now learned to walk. And it's only going to get worse – just wait until that third trimester heartburn starts. Am I ready for this?

What John helped me realize last night, after a meltdown caused by the broken bathtub faucet, is that I am more afraid than I have been able to see or admit. I knew I was scared of labor, of postpartum blues, of handling a newborn and a toddler. But these are rational fears I could easily admit to and calm myself through. You get through labor (no other choice, really), you pass through postpartum, and your newborn won't be newborn forever. Somehow, you survive the tough beginning days.

What I'm really afraid of is that I'm going to fail at everything, and ultimately that I'm going to lose myself in the effort to raise more than one child. I have a good pace with my son now because luckily he is a pretty easygoing guy. He sleeps easily and long, and his worst moods occur only when teeth

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