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During Divorce

Helping Toddlers Cope

By Kendeyl Johansen

Guilt usually doesn't surface in toddlers, but by ages 3 1/2 to 4, kids may worry they caused the separation. During a divorce everyone is disoriented and not focusing optimally," says Dr. Sammons. "The child notices the lack of focus and attention." To minimize negative behaviors, parents should pay special attention to maintaining meaningful rituals like the bedtime routine and keep limits consistent. Also, make sure rearrangements in the father and mother's lives don't isolate the child, and reassure older children that the divorce isn't their fault.

Pennsylvanian Michelle Turner faced a hostile 3-year-old daughter after breaking the news of divorce. "Kristy was sullen for weeks," Turner says. "She screamed for her father at night." Kristy loved books and Turner coped by reading the same stories to her daughter over and over. The consistent bedtime routine and individual attention reassured Kristy. "Eventually her behavior settled down and she was more of her old self."

But what if you toddler remains upset? Dr. Sammons recommends seeking assistance if a toddler's transient behavior, like aggression, becomes fixed.

Don't treat children with kid gloves just because of the divorce. "Discipline as you always would," Jennifer Leith of Canada recommends. "Don't worry about being the 'good' guy or the 'fun' parent. If your role is the primary caregiver, do your job. Your children will know the difference between a playmate and a parent."

It's also important to take time out for yourself while going through a divorce. This will help you remain a good parent. Coping with upset toddlers can try your patience and it's important to examine your own feelings of anger, sadness or depression or just relax. Here are a few stress-busting suggestions:

• Find a support group.
• Hire a babysitter and treat yourself to a massage or movie.
• Put the kids to bed and soak in a candle-lit bubble bath.

Focusing a little attention on yourself will ready you for tomorrow's single-parenting challenges, and for swapping kids cordially with your soon-to-be ex.

Divorce is complex for toddlers who may have difficulty understanding why their world has changed. Take some time to help them cope. For more information on children and divorce consult Dr. Sammons' book Don't Divorce Your Children: Children and Their Parents Talk About Divorce.