Parents, Lovers or Partners?

How to Have It All

By Carma Haley Shoemaker

Researchers have found that nothing increases marital conflict like issues related to children. Whether it's disagreements about childrearing, fairly sharing the workload or maintaining a satisfying sex life, couples who have a new baby are more likely to have an argument.

"Studies have shown that in the typical family, marital satisfaction drops dramatically after children, especially for mothers," says Rick Hanson, Ph.D., co-author of Mother Nurture (Penguin, 2002). "In one study, researchers found couples had eight times as many arguments after children arrived."

A new baby typically changes the status quo in any household, and this instant change can create a substantial strain. Schedules are turned upside down, Mom and Dad aren't sleeping as much or as well, and everyday chores seem minuscule compared to the new demands around the house.

"Most couples aren't prepared for the magnitude of such changes, and it takes time to adjust," says Stephanie I. Blum, author of Divorce and Finances (DK Publishing, 2000). "In that interim, tempers flare, folks are on edge, and couples tend to neglect their personal relationship. If things aren't brought under control, such chaos can easily adversely affect the couple's personal relationship."

The reasons for marriage strain after Baby arrives are obvious to anyone who is a new parent: Personal stresses create short-tempers; you care deeply about raising a child, yet are working with your spouse in unprecedented ways; family members who feel they have a stake in raising grandchildren, nieces or nephews may interfere; Mom may suddenly be spending more hours per week on household work and baby care than her partner does; and physical and emotional changes create sex life disturbances.

Ask any new parent what it is they miss the most about life before Baby and often the answer will be "sleep."

"One of the most common contributing factors to marriage strains after a baby comes is sleep deprivation," says Stacy D. Phillips, a certified family law specialist at Phillips, Lerner & Lauzon in Los Angeles, Calif. "Because of it, couples aren't as kind to one another as they can or should be. Also, with a new baby, the couple suddenly finds they have little time for one another. These strains tend to introduce tension into the marriage and without remedies, can cause irreparable damage. These strains are a big problem because it introduces a new dynamic into the marriage the couple suddenly becomes a family."

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