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Men and Miscarriage
How Men Handle Miscarriage
By Krissi Danielsson
That was exactly what Katie-Anne Gustafsson of Eskistuna, Sweden, experienced with her husband during her three losses. "He was upset at the time, but only for a short while," she says. "He wanted to comfort me, but once I realized he wasn't grieving like I was, I didn't want him near me!"
Men may also have difficulty comprehending the duration of their wives' grief following a loss. "Men tend to be amazed that it's not unusual to take a good three months to get through the hardest times," Swanson says. Women can even continue to grieve for years after the loss. Gustafsson still feels deeply impacted by her experience with miscarriages. "[He] doesn't get it when I burst into tears on the anniversary of each miscarriage," she says. "I tell him why, and he says 'poor you.'"
In some cases, men do have strong feelings about a loss but handle it in ways that women do not initially understand. Mark Martinez* of Monterey, Calif., and his wife suffered three miscarriages in their quest to start a family. "It is important not to mistake the man's reaction for not caring," he says. A woman may want to talk about the loss right away, and she might be frustrated that her husband suddenly starts a home improvement project or gets an urge to hand-wax his car.
Martinez believes that men sometimes need to keep their hands occupied while they wrap their minds around things. "Keep in mind that boys are taught from a young age to shake it off and treat any setback, sports injury or otherwise, by immediately distracting themselves with something else," he says. "In those cases, my advice is to give him some space and let him work it off; then talk when he's calmed down."
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