Men and Miscarriage

How Men Handle Miscarriage

By Krissi Danielsson

Like most women who suffer a pregnancy loss, Amy Lawson* of Wake Forest, N.C., was devastated by her miscarriage. As many women also notice, her husband did not seem to react the same way to the loss. "I did not want to do anything but sleep and play solitaire on the computer," she says. "I felt like I just went through the motions for many months. My husband had no reaction. He just said 'sorry.'"

Lawson's experience is far from unusual for couples facing the aftermath of a pregnancy loss. When speaking of miscarriage, the old, tired saying that "men are from Mars; women are from Venus" holds true as ever. While women often struggle emotionally following a loss, men usually have an easier time dealing with the situation.

Kristin Swanson, RN, Ph.D., FAAN, professor and department chair of Family and Child Nursing at the University of Washington, says this is a very common situation for couples to face. The man tends to move on faster than the woman, and as a result, "she will start to judge him as kind of cold and callous, and he will judge her as carrying on a little too much when it's time to move on," Swanson says. Because of this, many couples experience friction in their relationships following a loss.

According to Swanson, the difference originates in that a loss is rarely as real for a man as for a woman. Typically, a woman experiences a physical and very real sense of loss, but the man may not connect to the baby the same way. "Seventy-five percent of women who miscarry would tell you they lost a baby," she says. "Many times, for men, the baby isn't real until you can see it or hold it."

Want to see more?

• Pregnancy After Loss: Are You Ready to Try Again?
• Pregnancy After Miscarriage: The Ups and Downs of Trying Again
• A Sister's Shoulder: Helping a Friend Survive Miscarriage
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