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Learning to Let Go
Why Growing Up Is Hard on You By Gwen Morrison
Raymond's feelings of anxiety at the responsibilities facing her own teenager are those shared by many parents. Do we only have these 16 years to mold them? Are we afraid we may have missed something in the parenting we gave them during those formative years? Or are we just not ready to give it up quite yet?
"It is all letting go ... from the moment of birth," says Shari Young Kuchenbecker, Ph.D., a research psychologist and author of Raising Winners: A Parents Guide to Helping Kids Succeed On and Off the Playing Field (Three Rivers Press, 2000) from Los Angeles, Calif. "Moms and dads should strive to build the child's skills and good judgment (self-efficacy) so the child grows up capable. To achieve this, as experiences unfold, parents monitor progress and provide support when needed, guidance when necessary and love always."
Kuchenbecker says that, as parents, we have to remember it is our intent to raise responsible individuals from the moment we teach them to walk. Unless we want them to remain in our house forever, there comes a point when we have to let them use the skills we have taught them in order to survive on their own.
"The greatest trick is to always let the child know that you care with all your heart, and the are learning these responsible behaviors for their own sake, not yours," Kuchenbecker says. "Parents need to care enough to monitor and provide ongoing guidance throughout growth and development. Even when the child leaves for college, the wise parents continue to 'check in' and see how things are going for the kids."
